RIVIERA HASH TRASH 774
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FB & Confusion in the Rain in Villeneuve Loubet, With and Without Ribbons, plus a Marathon
Madame Mooton was Desperately Seeking a Hare for November 9th. She sent out endless recruitment messages:
"HHHi you lazy lot, Still waiting for a commitment to do 9th November!"
"Ahoy me Hearties! your friendly Hare Raiser herewith asks you, in typical kindly fashion, to cast your minds on a wee bit... ... 'cos the 9th November, is still -- disastrously hareless! So let's be havin' yuz!"
One day Farty Bum picked up Confusion at the airport, and Confusion said, "I think we should do that run", and Farty Bum said "Okay". And that's how it came about.
And because Farty Bum lives in Villeneuve Loubet and Confusion lives in Cagnes-sur-Mer, it was decided that half the trail should be in Villeneuve Loubet and the other half should be in Cagnes-sur-Mer. This way neither hare had to walk more than 50 meters to arrive at the trail.
This was the beginning and the ending of the first day, and God saw that it was good.
And Farty Bum said, "Since we're doing this out of the goodness of our hearts to save the hash from a terrible disaster, and since we don't have much time, let's not put too much effort into this, exploring original new terrain, and so on. Let's just recycle various bits from old trails, and join them together in a different order." And Confusion said "Okay."
And this was the beginning and ending of the second day, and God saw that it was good.
And concerning the Villeneuve Loubet section, Farty Bum said, "We better not do this up through the shiggy into the hills, because it's going to be November, and if it rains, all those stream-bed trails will turn into raging torrents."
So it was decided to use the path through the woods because it's such a lovely trail. And since Farty Bum and Virgin Mouth most recently did it south to north, it was decided it had to be the other way this time - north to south.
And concerning the Cagnes-sur-Mer section, Confusion said, "We won't go up to the chateau, because that's too steep -- if it turns out to be hot and sunny I will lose too much salt."
So it was decided to use the bord de mer which is nice and flat - perfect, after the section in the woods, for those runners who prefer tarmac.
And both hares agreed that the poor hashers who don't live near the sea would REALLY APPRECIATE the chance to go along our magnificent bord de mer promenade, which WE get to use every day.
And because Virgin Mouth and Farty Bum did the eglise St Pierre side last time, going east to west (with the hash stopping en route for a swim), it was clear that we would have to use the hippodrome side this time, and do it west to east.
This was the beginning and ending of the third day, and God saw that it was good.
Now in order to do the path through the woods from north to south, and the bord de mer from west to east, it became clear that the trail would have to begin at the church in the village of Villeneuve Loubet.
And to join the two sections together, it was decided to use the connecting system where you climb down from the bridge on the RN7 into that grassy island, and then go through the tunnel under the railway.
(This route was first used by Flamin' Arsehole and Farty Bum back in 2001, at that run where Padre, Big End, Jobsworth, Pedo and Incredible Hulk did the trail backwards because a little old lady had swept up Flamin'A's cross by the railway tracks.)
And if the trail started at the church in Villeneuve Loubet, then it was obvious that the beer-stop would have to be on the bord de mer in Cagnes-sur-Mer.
But the bord de mer would be closed for the marathon, so Farty Bum said, "Well, then we'll just extend the trail up the Cagnes canal, and have the beer stop in that big parking lot instead. And anyway, the route along the canal is very pleasant too."
This was the beginning and ending of the fourth day, and God saw that it was pretty good, but He said, "Be careful, this trail is getting a bit long, and there are going to be people complaining about the length of it."
And Farty Bum said, "Since this run is going to be in November, when chances of rain are high, and since there is going to be a marathon also using the bord de mer, we'd better mark the trail with ribbons so we can do it a few days in advance and won't have to worry about the flour being washed away by rain, or trampled up by the 14,000 marathoners.
Because if it rained, how could we go out in the early morning and repair the flour - with 14,000 marathoners charging towards us?"
So the two hares took shiny red ribbons, and bright red yarn, and the last of that bright pink stuff, and marked the trail through the woods and down over the bridge from the RN7, and through the Bouches du Loup, to the bord de mer.
And all along the canal, and all along the return route, which went along behind the hippodrome, over the bridge, across the field, back into the woods, down along the river, across the park, and up that other hillside through the bush, back to the church.
But because there were so many people out strolling along the promenade on the bord de mer, the hares decided to save that section till night-time, so as not to attract unnecessary attention to the ribbons.
This was the beginning and ending of the fifth day, and God saw that it was NOT GOOD. He said, "Look, guys, this is a lovely trail, very pleasant and all that, but it isn't a HASH. Where are the checks and the false trails? Where are the loops for the runners and the short cuts for the walkers? As far as I can see, this trail is identical for walkers and runners."
And Farty Bum said, "You're right, Lord." But there was absolutely no place to make false trails on the path through the woods (which has a ravine on one side, and now a chicken-wire fence on the other), nor was there any scope for false trails along the bord de mer (which has the sea on one side and the hippodrome on the other). These are places where there is nothing to do but walk straight ahead following your nose.
So God said, "Let there be light!"
And suddenly Farty Bum had a brilliant inspiration. She rushed to the supermarket and bought some chocolate Christmas decorations, then rushed back to the woods and hid these chocolates in the bush, marking the places with blue ribbons.
"The blue ribbons will serve as checks," she said to God. "Every time the runners see a blue ribbon, they will have to stop and hunt for chocolate, the same as they usually have to stop and hunt for the correct trail. That will slow them down!"
And God said, "Not bad! Not bad!"
And concerning the loops for the runners, the hares had planned to put one at the very beginning of the trail, and another just after the climb down from the RN7, and a third one along the canal, but Confusion said, "Look, God, I'm sorry but You said this trail was on the long side already, so why are you telling us to add loops to it?"
And God said, "Yeah, you're right. Okay, it's alright - forget about the loops."
And then He said, "Well, maybe you can keep the one at the very beginning." And the hares said "Okay".
This was the beginning and ending of the sixth day, and God said, "Let's hope this works out according to plan."
When it got dark, Farty Bum went out to put ribbons along the bord de mer. It was her THIRD trip round the trail in one day !! (ie. 32 kilometers, apparently)
But she wasn't at all exhausted, because she only had 5 grams of ribbon to carry. Compare this to the 32 bags of flour that she and Supermarket Trolley lugged around in 2003 when they prepared that long trail from the bord de mer to the village, up and down the mountain, and back to the bord de mer, and you will realize that marking a trail with ribbons is not such a daft idea at all.
(That was the run, you may remember, where Idle Bitch, the beer meister for the day, failed to show up on time, forcing us to hold the beer stop at the village brasserie and pay a fortune for individual drinks for 50 hashers.)
Farty Bum walked up the bord de mer in the dark putting up ribbons, then she checked the ribbons along the canal (which had been up since Friday morning), and turned back.
It was here that God spoke to her again: "I don't see any checks. You haven't put a single one since leaving the woods. How are you going to slow down the runners out here on the bord de mer?"
And FB said, "I don' know, God !! How can I hide chocolate here on this cement? And don't forget, there are going to be 14,000 runners coming through here in the morning."
Once again God said, "Let there be light!"
And FB looked across the road and saw all the plants and trees along the fence in front of the hippodrome. She rushed across the road and hid chocolate among these plants, saying to God, "We'll tell the runners: when they see a blue ribbon in the woods they're to look for chocolate, but when they see a blue ribbon in the town, they're to cross the road first, and THEN look for chocolate. And they'll have to wait for the light to turn green, so that will slow them down even more!!"
"Now you're thinking," said God.
Finally the trail was ready!
FB got up early Sunday morning and walked up to the church in the village, checking the ribbons on the in-trail along the river, through the park and up the hillside. It was raining lightly.
Arriving at the church she was surprised to find Prestressed, Skinny A, Padre, Smelly Pooh, Cumalot, Sadist, Fairy Plunger and Pedo already there - a good hour before start time!
Since she had come by foot, FB immediately approached Sadist and asked if he would be so kind as to accompany Pedo to the beer-stop. "Where is it?" asked Pedo and Sadist together. FB led them several meters away before replying in a low voice, "That big parking lot by the canal in Canes-sur-Mer."
"THE PARKING LOT BY THE CANAL IN CAGNES-sur-MER?" repeated Pedo in a loud voice.
"Hush!" cried FB. "They're not supposed to know where they're going!!"
She looked over her shoulder at Cumalot who was nonchalantly tying his shoe-lace. "Did you hear that?" 'Nahh,' replied Cumalot? It was hyper obvious he was lying.
In a vain attempt to rectify the situation, Pedo cried, "The port in Antibes?? Isn't that rather far away?"
Sadist, who had sat out the last two hashes with a sore foot, now remarked that if he accompanied Pedo to the beer stop, he would not get back in time to do the trail. His foot was feeling better and he had hoped to be a walker today.
Pedo immediately offered to drive alone to the beer stop and sit alone in his beer car throughout both halves of the run, reading the Sunday Times. He claimed that he did not want to deprive Sadist of a chance to be a walker, but his real reason for this kind offer to miss the entire run was that it was raining quite heavily now and he had no desire to get wet.
This conversation was interrupted by the assembled hashers crying out, "LET'S GET GOING!!"
What, now???" cried Farty Bum. "It's only 10:30!!"
"THAT'S THE START TIME!!" cried the hashers;
"What???" cried Farty Bum. "I thought the start time was 11:00 o'clock!!"
"Ten for ten-thirty!!" cried the hashers. "Read the directions!!"
"Are you SURE?" asked FB. "I'm SURE I wrote ten-thirty for eleven."
"READ THE DIRECTIONS!!!"
Even though FB had written the directions herself, she hadn't looked at them for several days because she didn't need to, knowing the way to the hash by heart.
So she finally she agreed that it must be time to begin, and the hashers all gathered around in a circle.
"Wait!!" cried FB. "Confusion isn't even here yet!! We can't start without the co-hare!! And what about Levrette? She said she was coming. And Contessa and Coco! And Long & Hard! And Idyl!"
"They'll never come in this rain," said someone.
"They all swore on the Bible that they would be here, RAIN OR SHINE."
A small "Oops" was heard. Cumalot had just checked his portable phone. "The start time is posted incorrectly," he announced. "The start time IS eleven o'clock."
...So we waited, and everybody had time to arrive, even Madame Mooton and Jacquiline who had never made any promises at all !
As soon as all the expected hashers were there, FB explained about all the different ribbons, telling the runners that at every blue ribbon they were to 1)find the chocolates, 2)eat them, and then 3)untie the blue ribbon from its twig and take it with them - all this to slow them down as much as possible.
And she DID say that any time there was a change of direction, they would find a SERIES of ribbons to better catch their attention and point out the new way.
The runners set off down a staircase to do their loop around the town while the walkers set off towards the woods, shepherded by Confusion. FB hoped that the walkers would at least get to the woods before the runners overtook them, since there wouldn't be any more loops to even things out again.
Well, the runners took so long to arrive at the woods that finally FB turned around and went back to the beginning, fearing they had got lost on their loop. She found the four runners near the church, with Padre struggling diligently to untie a knot in a piece of red yarn around a telephone pole - they had mistakenly understood that they were to untie ALL ribbons on the trail !! "No! No! Only the blue ones!" cried FB.
Think how long they would have taken to reach the beer stop if they had untied every ribbon along the entire trail !!!
So the runners jogged off towards the woods, while FB, now far behind, decided to take the lower trail along the river to try and catch up. She raced down staircases and along soggy trails. She emerged from the woods and hurried down the RN7, arriving just in time to see a large pack of walkers and runners passing under the bridge in the direction of the railway tunnel. Whew! They had successfully negociated the trickiest part of the trail!
FB then ran back to the woods to find what had become of Confusion and the slow walkers (Madame Mooton, Jacquiline and Long & Hard) whom she had passed on the way out of the woods. There wasn't a trace of them. FB decided they must have turned around and gone back to the church.
FB now realized she had better get to the beer stop pronto, because with neither hare present, no one would know where the trail picked up after the beer stop.
She raced through the in-trail in reverse - through the field, across the bridge, behind the hippodrome, and arrived at the canal just in time to see Padre jog by. She followed him towards the beer stop, which Pedo had thoughtfully placed under a bridge to protect us from the rain.
(It was now raining VERY heavily, by the way.) So far only Padre and FB had reached the beer stop.
Pedo announced that a bunch of walkers had phoned in to say they were lost. "That'll be Confusion and the slow walkers," said FB, and then, to her amazement, turned around to find Madame Mooton, Jacquiline, Long & Hard and Confusion standing right behind her!
Confusion, who has famously got lost on her own trails a number of times recently, had NOT got lost, but had taken a brilliant executive decision to get the slow walkers to the beer stop on time by following the in-trail backwards from the woods, just as FB had done.
Within moments of the slow walkers' arrival, the other three runners and Sadist appeared. FB was amazed to see that, despite runners and walkers following the exact same trail, they were miraculously arriving at the beer stop all at the same time !
Everyone was chatting cheerfully when suddenly a kind of humming, zinging noise was heard. We looked up to see what appeared to be a ball of fire racing up the canal. It was Skinny Ah So!
She burst into the beer stop in an absolute FURY, giving off so much heat that several hashers reported that their wet clothes dried out on the spot.
Skinny Ah So raced up to Farty Bum and screamed, "Your trail is SHIT !!!"
She had not been able to find any ribbons on the bord de mer, she was soaking wet, and what made her angriest of all, Sadist had disappeared into thin air when she turned away from him for a couple of SECONDS.
"He was supposed to be a WALKER, but he was ASHAMED to be a walker!! He wanted to be a RUNNER, like the other men, and he just RAN OFF and DESERTED me!!"
But no! Sadist hadn't run off because he wanted to be a runner - he ran off because he KNEW WHERE THE TRAIL WENT, because FB had asked him to accompany Pedo to the beer stop !
And all the runners knew where the trail went, because Cumalot had overheard the details while tying his shoe.
The slow walkers got to the beer stop the back way, doing the trail backwards, and the other five walkers - Contessa, Coco, Idyl, Fairy Plunger, and Smelly Pooh - gave up and turned back (see Contessa's report).
So in the end, Skinny Ah So was the ONLY ONE who actually found the beer stop by following the ribbons !!
Or DID she ? Did she eventually stumble onto the ribbons, or did she just eventually stumble onto the beer stop? Or did she (shock, horror) make use of a portable phone?
It was raining so hard that nobody wanted to do the second half. Pedo, who usually has room for only one person, MAYBE two, in his beer car, somehow managed to squeeze in Madame Mooton, Jacquiline, Sadist, Prestressed, Skinny Ah So, and Cumalot, without jettisoning any beer or chips.
We would love to see a diagram of how he did it. Was there anyone on board without an elbow or knee poking into his ribs, back, rear end, ear, neck or hip?
Padre and Levrette chose to run back, following the trail, while FB, Confusion, and Long & Hard walked.
And that was the beginning and ending of the seven day, and God said, "Well, what do you expect? Did you ever hear of a hash working out according to plan? And by the way - sorry about the rain. Just a little joke, heh, heh!"
FB apologizes profusely to the people who were not able to find ribbons on the bord de mer, but ribbons WERE there.
There were two strings (ie. red yarn) on the bridge - one on a vertical railing, and the other on the top (horizontal) railing.
There was a big bright ribbon on the first lamp-post, and a string on the 9th lamp-post.
Next string was on a bench. Did anyone see it???
FB admits there should have been strings on a couple of other benches, but she thinks the reason she didn't put any was because, even though it was night, there were still people sitting on those benches.
Next string was on the 9th lamp post at the other end of the hippodrome. FB admits she should have put a ribbon on the first lamp-post there too, but it just never occurred to her that people would have a problem on the bord de mer, the simplest, most obvious section of the trail. Once you're halfway down the bord de mer in front of the hippodrome, where else would you go but straight ahead?
The bord de mer promenade is wide, and people walk on the side closest to the sea, usually on the raised sidewalk. They don't walk on the side close to the road because that's a bicycle lane, and bicycles and roller skaters are always whizzing by there.
There are only a few benches on the sea-side of the promenade, where ribbons can be tied, whereas there are lots of sign-posts on the road-side, but FB did not want to put ribbons on those sign-posts because she did not want it to appear that there might be a road crossing there.
However, she DID put two blue ribbons for the runners on those sign-posts when she was walking BACK, and this was a big mistake because they were not aligned with the ribbons she had put on the way out. This is a lesson: that you must never mark a trail when you are walking in the reverse direction to the trail direction. If people moved over to the road-side of the promenade when they saw the blue ribbons, then they probably missed the ribbon on the bench.
The runners were supposed to cross the road, find the chocolate, and come BACK. Was that made clear enough? Since they knew they were heading for the canal, there was no chance of them getting lost even if they stayed on the wrong side of the road where there were no ribbons.
No walkers should have crossed the road because there were no ribbons leading across the road.
The whole point of taking the hash all the way from the church in the village, through the woods and down to the bord de mer was to give people a chance to enjoy our beautiful promenade along the seafront!!! Not the other side of the road !!
At the end of the hippodrome, where the bord de mer meets Boulevard Kennedy, the ribbons were clearly visible and more numerous, and led very clearly to the road crossing near the canal. Did Skinny Ah So find these ribbons?
At the crossing there were ribbons wrapped around two of the three bollards in front of the crossing, hanging from both traffic lights on the island in the centre of the crossing, and wrapped around one of the bollards at the end of the crossing.
Immediately after the meal, FB walked back from the restaurant in the dark and rain, still wearing the sunglasses, and she found all the ribbons on the bord de mer, and they are STILL THERE if you want to check.
Again, profuse apologies.
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R*n 775: NEXT HASH 23-Nov
23 NOV RUN 775
The hares: PEDO AND TOSSPOT
Venue: MOUGINS FONT DE L'ORME
Meet at 10:00 for 10:30
Just follow directions and try not to get lost, especially the ladies!!!
From NICE exit A8 ANTIBES, take D 35 direction "CANNES,VALLAURIS,GRASSE,SOPHIA ANTIPOLIS", pass under a bridge and try not to get photographed by the police radar by driving at, or under the approved speed limit which is 70 kph.
keep going on the D103 direction VALBONNE or "ROUTE DU PARC" as it's normally called, until you get to the big roundabout "CARREFOUR DES BOUILLIDES", here you take a left direction D98 MOUGINS "AV MAURICE DONAT", pass under the bridge and at the next round about turn back and park on your right.
From VAR exit A8 Cannes Mougins, direction Grasse on "LA PENETRANTE CANNES GRASSE", take exit MOUGINS SAINT BASILE, follow D3 direction VALBONNE, at the roundabout after the GENDARMERIE, take the D98 on your right direction ANTIBES "AV MAURICE DONAT", go through or across , for the ladies, three roundabouts, and park on the right before the bridge.
The usual gastronomic delight will be provided by the "AUBERGE DE LA SOURCE"
The restaurant needs to know who will be there and what they would like to eat so please call PEDO before Wednesday to let us know, or you might end up going hungry on Sunday!!!!
TEL: PEDO 0614763823