RIVIERA HASH TRASH 772
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In Your Papier
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Contessa & Coco
R*N REPORT 772
50 Shades of Smut
Hash directions should go firstname.lastname@example.org
Have your say-got an opinion? Give it to me and I'll publish and be dammed
Those of a sensitive disposition do not read any further as this report contains strong language and used to contain nuts.
"The further a society drifts from the truth the more it will hate those that speak it."
"The further the Run Report drifts from the truth the more the Hares will hate those that write it."
Before I start, a little background to this F**k**g Hash.
Tourettes Fu***ing P*xy Hash was not named after the So*d*ng village but Georges Albert Édouard Brutus Gilles de la Tourette born in Saint-Gervais-les-Trois-Clochers.
With a mouthful like that you can easily understand why it was called F***ing Tourettes.
After running around the place the pack thought F***k**g Tourettes was pretty accurate.
Although in this case I will do my best to write it as it was. All will be revealed.
No, I am not going to be taking my clothes off but giving the low down, and in this case the high UP, of the surrounding area. Here is the low down.
Jobsworth, for it was he who was the appointed Hare for the day, gave the introductory spiel to the assembled throng.
(Many thank for standing in at short notice. All is forgiven.Ed.)
Most of whom ignored him, except the virgins from Sweden, but when they told Padre they were wimping out due to a hangover he told them to ignore everything and follow the person in front.
And, as Jobsworth was the Hare, Allemansrätten applied.
For all of you that are not aware of how Jobsworth obtained his name all I say is that it involved somebody that did not follow the Swedish principle of Allemansrätten and a shotgun.
Padre had a dichotomy here, he was not sure if he admired their late night frolics, or felt sorry for them that they were unable to clear the poison from their system by running, given they would have bringing the average age of the pack down by about 15 years.
A special Ikea diagram for them as only they will understand how to put the thing together.
There are lies, dammed lies and statistics.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If they grace us with a return visit they will at least be expected to give the impression they are running, even if they only manage to keep up with Cumalot to the first check.
The stupid part of the running section take off from the start at their normal pace. No names here to protect the stupid.
The sensible ones? No names here either.
They walk, (albeit at a faster pace than the walkers.) as they have looked ahead and notices vast quantities of UP!
Pull It, fresh from her Sherpa experience on the last Hash decided she would use her vast knowledge and Hashing experience, (For she was on The Great Train Rumble, six days of Hashing in three countries, Singapore, Malaysia and Thailand, along with Padre and Sadist, to name but one) to attempt the runners trail.
I love a woman for her personality.
After all she will probably have about ten you can chose from.
Following Jobsworths' subtle prompting she kept appearing out of the bush alongside those under the allusion they were running.
Did I mention the amount of UP?
Jobsworth, realising that the Old Farts would probably have a heart attack if they went straight UP, and he had no desire to administer artificial respiration, blended in a series of subtle, and some not so subtle loops around the UP.
As a slight diversion, no not one on the trail, but one from this drivel, I asked why the Laptop I was using was all sticky. (I had to borrow one as mine has a small problem. No names to protect the guilty !)
He said, "It is not what you think, it is Ice Cream."
I asked how he managed to get Ice Cream all over the Laptop.
He said, "Have you ever tried eating Ice Cream whilst masturbating?"
Where were we...........
Ah yes, going UP.
I think it was here that Pull It wimped out.
The warm up complete and the lead runner changing at every check, even Prestressed managed a turn at the front of the Peloton, as we were all sure of where the trail was going, but not if it was across and then UP, or UP and then across.
Thirty minutes into the run, Coco who usually partakes of the Walkers trail was probably wishing he had maintained his usual custom.
Only another ten minutes of UP and then we could relax. However, we had not allowed for Jobsworth's perverse sense of humour, or was it the fact that we were so slow? Nearly 20 minutes later we arrived on the contour around the hill which was about as high as we got. Unless you count runners high.
Our intrepid heroes at the high point of the run;
Photograph taken by Prestressed.
Cumalot by now was at his usual position, (Would that be last? Ed.) having peaked too soon, again, which was strange as I found out afterwards that he had been an anonymous Hare and helped Jobsworth set the trail the day before and was therefore not running False Trails.
Maybe that was it. He peaked on Saturday. Talk about premature!
That reminds me.
I am thinking of holding a charity run for those who struggle to reach an orgasm.
If you can't come please let me know.
From our vantage point from what appeared to be just below Courmette the view was quite spectacular and would have been even better if not for the low flying clouds and the threat of rain.
A popular place with full car parks and sad men with their weapons out, spaced at 30 - 40 metre intervals wearing brightly coloured gilets, ready to blast anything which moved, (Boy was I feeling nervous, but not as nervous as Coco who had a brightly coloured vest he was waving, much as a drowning man waving for help.)
And then there was Paintballers with more ordinance than ISIS trying to emulate their superhero. (Anybody watch Big Bang? Ed.)
Downhill all the way now and as we enter into the beer stop car park we notice the front runners Perpetual Motion, Coco with the Hare and the first walkers are approaching from the other direction, this closely followed by Prestressed David, No Name, Padre and Cumalot. Then the usual wait for the retards.
Good timing here by the Hares. Experience or Luck?
The First Aid wagon was dispatched to pick up Mark and Anstey who pulled the medical exclusion clause, suffering from exertion or something. (See Walkers' Report. Ed.)
Beer stop over and the walkers depart leaving the runners to go around and through the village, which impressed David No Name so much he said he would like to bring his wife back to experience it. (Is that before, or after, you walk up the hill? Ed.)
Then the sadistic loop, down the hill. Now normally I do not disagree with down but after the beer stop going down is hard. If you know what I mean?
This is the low point.
The more observant of you will notice the rocky outcrop at the top, above the village, which is where the previous photograph was taken.
This being over half a km. above the viaduct.
584 metres to be exact ! (According to Prestressed's magic gizmo.)
Impressed, or what?
This next bit was just a painful blur as we struggled to regain the altitude, the pack was strung out and just concentrating on making to the finish.
Prestressed informed me he covered 11.13 km and contrary to what has been alluded to in the previous paragraphs the amount of up was exactly the same as the amount of down.
And to quote George Carlin;
"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."
If you are interested here it is;
We hung around until or illustrious R.A. arrived, (Name him you coward. Or are you afraid of a Down Down next time? Ed.) and promptly started the circle as we were late for our appointed time at the restaurant.
A new venue for us and surprisingly welcoming for an upmarket eatery and us in tatty running clobber. Even more surprising was the service.
All done with a smile and this at the end of the season where surly is usually an improvement.
I was not sure if it was one "R". or two so I looked up the dictionary and the definition to illustrate the word contained the phrase, "Surly waiter."
I rest my case Your Honour.
To see what world hash events are coming up, check out this website:
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!
R*n 773: NEXT HASH 26-Oct
Run details can be found here.