RIVIERA HASH TRASH 736
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R*N REPORT 736
WALKERS' REPORT 736
50 Shades of Smut
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Hares - Duchess of Cambridge and Padre
Victims - Peadophil, Perpetual Motion, Tosspot, Contessa, Coco, Long & Hard, Daniel (Duchess's nephew), Cindy Bear, Tinkerbell, Farty Bum, Fairy Plunger, Iron Lady, Procul, Roadrunner, Assessaguy, Prestressed, Skinny Ah So, Levrette
An email from the Duchess arrived in my inbox several days before the run with directions on how to get to find the Tennis club car park for 10am.
10 AM... FLIPPIN 'ECK... what unearthly time is that!!!
Must have been bloody mad... hashing on a trail set by Padre anywhere, anytime... especially halfway up a huge mountain in 30 degree heat under a blazing sun... however, I was up at the crack of dawn and off into the unknown with only a set of printed directions to get me there.
About 10am... following the directions to the letter, and hey presto... a car park appeared on my left... looking somewhat empty, I ventured in... was this the right place... had the run started already... 3 dodgy looking characters were huddled in the corner wearing a multitude of coloured clothing... definitely NOT Wimbledon... so either hashers or muggers... knowing it was a Padre trail, I secretly hoped they were muggers.
Alas... Hashers... The Duchess with Cindy Bear (Milan H3) and a virgin called Daniel (Duchess' nephew), with Padre arriving just after me. The Duchess explained the trail wouldn't start until 11am, that Daniel was a try-athlete, hashing the latest thing to try (not sure hashing is an athletic pursuit?), and that he'd just spent several hours driving to the airport to pick up his hot new date, described as... Italian, long brown hair and big boobs, called Cindy... only to find Cindy was a big hairy bloke - the risks of Internet Dating!
The next hour brought more idle chat and more Hashers, some nearly missing the trail because they'd been too clever - Prestressed going to the wrong Tennis Club - Farty Bum just got lost, despite living next door, and Levrette going to the wrong car park. Levrette... there's a pretty name... French for a "female hare" she told me (If you believe that you will believe anything. Ed.)... finally I've found the middle name for my daughter if I ever have children! Ed.'s comment;
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
I was given a Hash name but was not very pleased when I read in the Trash that I was not good in a bed but fine on all fours.
Runners with Padre, walkers with the Duchess... Perpetual Motion to look after young Daniel and make sure he didn't get lost... and off into the hills we go!
Forgiving Padre for setting the first check in-sight of the on-inn which would have been a very short trail indeed, we started exploring the woods behind the tennis club... along the river bank into the rear of the adjacent campsite, under a barbed wire fence, down the steep bank into the river... was this a hash... or a commando assault course... time would tell! A steep bank up the other side of the river, over a fence, through a field to a long, narrow, low tunnel under the road... the only time on the run I was thankful it wasn't raining. Emerging from the tunnel, scrambling up another bank covered in sharp pointy vegetation we arrived at another check, also in sight of the on-inn... foolishly we failed to take yet another opportunity to short cut the trail back to the pool, wine and food.
Perpetual Motion appeared suddenly from the right... a check back... Daniel nowhere to be seen... lost within 100m of the start of the trail... Well done Perpetual Motion
Some cunning loops and we found ourselves following hot (and sweaty) on the trail of the walkers, up past the golf course, then breaking out into the forest away from civilisation for a delightful jog over undulating terrain with more cunning checks, and some less so, until after an age we emerged at the beer stop some 20 minutes before the walkers who'd either got lost, gone further than expected or were just too slow.
(Some feeble excuse about a mad dog. Ed)
Suitably refreshed we were off again, up and round the edge of a large quarry... more Commando training lay ahead... unable to find a sensible way out of the quarry the only option was a near vertical drop covered in loose rocks and roots. Perpetual Motion decided this was not sufficiently challenging and deliberately hurled rocks down the slope in an effort to dislodge his fellow Hashers, intent on sending us to our deaths.... See "Shit of the Week" nominations.
More by luck than judgement we all got back alive with nothing broken.
The circle quickly followed - Pool and Grub beckoning!
Duchess & Padre
Toss Pot, Long and Hard & Skinny Ah So
Farty Bum, living within walking distance,
Prestressed, despite being a professional navigator. (Retired)
Toss Pot, Coco & Perpetual Motion
Duchess - for picking up a hot Italian, with long hair and nice boobs... only to find Cindy was a "he".
Cindy Bear (Milan H3) & Tinkerbell (Cow Under Moon H3)
Sh*t of the Week nominations;
Toss Pot - Volunteering to be a Hare and then going on holiday.
Farty Bum - Alcohol abuse - throwing beer over RA
Perpetual Motion - Trying to kill the hash and losing the Virgin
Sh*t of the Week;
Toss Pot with Perpetual Motion a very close second.
This is definitely where hashing in Provence is nicer than back in England!
Nice warm pool, good company, wine and food... with hindsight I should have checked my tent into the next-door campsite for the night!
Having a few beers on a Hash is similar to your childhood.
Everyone remembers what you did except you.
Getting into the pool area was clearly a challenge for some... the clever gate mechanism should have been obvious to most Hashers... grasp knob and pull gently upwards to achieve release...
After the swim, great food, company and conversation.
On On, Tinks.
Duchess of Cambridge chose the site for this hash in the large area of bush between Villeneuve Loubet and Roquetfort-les-Pins. As far as I know, he had driven past this area and seen the bush with his own eyes.
Then he went home and sat down in front of his computer, turned on Google Earth, and spent several hours constructing a trail by map. He prepared both a runners' trail and a walkers' trail, all by Google.
Then he carefully sketched the runners' trail onto eleven bits of paper which he stapled together, and the walkers' trail onto some more bits of paper (I don't know how many) and stapled them together too, and then he went out to Villeneuve Loubet and tried out his trail.
He easily found the starting point, because he had written down the precise location: 43° 39' 33.59 N 7° 05' 46.65 E
Now we all know that Duchess has a bad hip, and this was a bit of a dangerous way to set a trail because he had to precisely follow the maps he had sketched, no matter if they took him to places that are difficult to access with a bad hip, or had gigantic puddles or fallen trees, or were infested with sanglier or wasps. There could be no experimenting or changing the route, because the trail was pre-fabricated and pre-decided and pre-mapped.
Fortunately, Duchess survived the trail and emerged from the bush unscathed.
So then he tried it a few more times, making minor improvements and clipping away prickles and so forth, and then he phoned Padre to come and get the maps of the runners' route, and Padre went out into the bush to check that trail out.
Here is how Padre fared, in his own words:
He planned the trail at home then went out to have a look at the area. Unfortunately, not all the paths marked on paper existed on soil, but I was able to locate all the important junctions by using my Boy Scout skills.
So everything was fine and ready, and on Saturday they went out and laid the flour, and on Sunday we all showed up at the Tennis Club Vanade, in Villeneuve Loubet, at 10:30 for 11:00.
All through the first half of the run, Duchess kept repeating that he had REALLY WANTED to start the run at 9 in the morning, in order to avoid the worst of the August heat. So why did we start at eleven??? Who told Duchess he couldn't start at nine - Padre???
This does not sound like "Boy Scout" behavior to me. Surely this calls for an investigation by our kangaroo court, and a shit-of-the-week nomination for Padre, for not allowing the hare to start his hash at a time of his own choosing, especially after he had spent so much time sketching all those little maps.
The directions to the Vanade tennis club were written by Padre, and were clearer than usual (for him). Only Prestressed went seriously astray, turning up at a totally wrong place somewhere on the opposite side of the road. As a result, he was the last person to arrive in the parking lot, and when Duchess greeted him with a cheerful "Good Morning!", Prestressed angrily shouted, "Schlingespulicht!!" *, which is Africaans for "Sloppy! Sloppy! Sloppy!"
(*This spelling may not be correct.)
We started out by crossing the road and walking up a track through the golf course. This reminded me of a hash hared by Padre and Louloup in 2001, the hash where I got named in fact, where young Naomi was in a bush baby-buggy and where the trail was very gravelly, and I remember we squeezed through a very tight crack in a rock. But Duchess's trail turned more to the left than the 2001 trail, and we got into open bush country, with much foot-friendlier terrain.
I can't give you too many details of the walkers' trail because I waited two weeks to start this report, but I am including the little maps of the runners' trail (kindly lent to me by Padre), so anyone who wants to try it needs only to drive to the starting point and set out (keeping in mind that a few boy scout skills would be most helpful).
The runners' and walkers' trails seemed to be totally different, as we saw no sign of the runners until the beerstop, which was almost two hours after the beginning.
It was a very, very long trail, in fact, one of the longest in recent memory. As I said, we went off left, in the direction of Roquefort, through shoulder-high widely-spaced bush, and kind of a soft, pine needle-y terrain underfoot. We wandered around a lot, changing direction so frequently that soon nobody had the slightest idea where we were or which direction we were pointing.
Eventually we arrived at a kind of intersection of several trails, and here two female hikers coming towards us asked Duchess how to get back to the Roquetfort road, and he told them which path to take. Then they took the wrong one, and he had to shout after them.
At this intersection Duchess announced that any tired humans or thirsty dogs could take a short-cut along the path the two hikers had just taken, while the hardier folks could go down a dip to the right and follow a shady trail through the woods. Pedo (carrying Jake the dog, who was suffering from heat exhaustion) and Skinny A and Tosspot were the only ones who opted for the short cut, if I remember correctly.
The rest of us went through the woods where we were treated to several examples of "Duchess Special Touches" -- demonstrating the exquisite care and consideration Duchess puts into creating a trail. When we came to a large fallen tree blocking the path, he whipped out of his backpack a tablecloth, which he laid over the tree trunk so we would not scrape up a bum-full of terminates or viscious ants.
And when we came to a small ravine we crossed it on a bridge Duchess had made using a plank which he had especially taken from a building site in Nice. (Coco did not use the bridge, however, but strode manfully down the side of the ravine, and up again.)
Can you imagine Padre, our Boy Scout, making any similar improvements on HIS trail? I can't either. Padre would probably have put maple syrup on the tree trunk to attract even more termites (and get our legs sticky), and he would prefer to dismantle or even blow up a bridge, rather than make a trail easier. And he never clips away prickles either.
Then we walked a long, long way through the woods, going slightly uphill. Fairy Plunger was telling us something here, but I can't remember what. Finally we arrived at the beerstop, which was just at the point where Levrette usually turns around when she goes jogging from her home in Roquetfort.
Can't remember a thing about the beer stop - sorry.
After the beerstop we took the trail that the shortcutters had taken while we were going through the woods, and from there followed the in-trail in reverse. We stopped at a plum tree full of yummy plums, and shortly after this we were back in the golf course, and then crossing the road to the Vanade tennis club again.
Tinkerbell has written up the down-downs, so I guess I can sign off here.
Nice trail, Duchess! Thank-you for creating it. Thank you too, Padre. And a special thank-you to Google Earth.
UK Nash Hash 23-26 August 2013
Porky Rolls 2013. 27th-29th September
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