A Walker’s Perspective

© Martin noname Sept 2008

 

the walkers view..............fluorescent green flash of big end dominated my walk................flashing white flower stripes on blackened trees ,which soiled my yell trews, punctuated the amble.............many [10]times abusive dingus approached    ..lost....maybe he wants to be a wa  ker.............he was rebelled........fabby views when on top of the world...........flowers in napoule when flour ran out...............intuition and cheating prevailed..............fabby beer stop............sorry lack of adjectives............knackered dogs
over heated women cool breezes......why did knicker licker carry a yellow bush knife........all in all glad sneaky bastard brought us to hashering..................love no name.............and jos

 

 

A Runner’s Perspective

© Jobsworth Sept 2008 (Misrepresentation of the idea that “Jobsworth” & “runner” happily coexist noted)

 

Johnny Wakelin – Black Superman

“This here’s the story of Cassius Clay”

“Sing Muhammad, Muhammad Ali, floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee”

   

Roman General                                     Boxer                                       Boxing champ

 

This run report is dedicated to Cassius the dog, the star of Padre & Big End’s Mandelieu hash. Question for the pop pickers – what position did the above song reach in the UK charts & in which year?

 

So, back to the hash & the somewhat cryptic intro. It was a hot & humid September afternoon in a cemetery in Mandelieu, replete with an excellent turnout of hashers and a number of dogs, one of which was Cassius, who chose the right place to have a deathwish. This being a Padre & Big End extravaganza, the run started bang on time with the advice that walkers should follow the runners’ trail but cut out the extra loop marked FRB. Sounded easy, didn’t it, Dingus?

 

The run started with confusion (no, not Confusion, although she was among us) as to which of the 2 forests the run would penetrate. Riddle of the checks solved, it went over the road, avoiding manic drivers obviously with a wish to prematurely join the cemetery residents and into the ex-forest. Why an ex forest? Well, it used to be beautiful and lush until it burned down a year or two back.

 

On the run went, runners opening the gap with walkers (and walking runners) through checks half way up slopes with barbed wire no doubt there to stop the wild boar, until we reached a check with a straight on and an uphill. Dingus was determined to be Dingus and the top FRB, so he gamely went uphill, followed by Prestressed among others, only to find no check and decide to wimp & do the walkers’ route. The remaining runners continued along the real trail, which contoured around the burnt out trees until it went up said hill. But at the top, we were greeted by the site of a flour container on its own, with Padre clambering up Dingus’s trail. I will never fully understand, but Dingus insists that he short cut because there was no cross, whilst Padre insists that he kept the spare container around to ensure that this would not happen. Mmmmm, some things will remain unsolved, like “who shot JFK”, “Did man really land on the moon?” and “Did Dingus short cut on this fateful day?”. Last word on the subject to co-hare Big End: “It’s Padre’s run & I’m just here on the latest stop of my European tour to enjoy myself”.

 

At the top of the hill, the pack had to negotiate a locked gate that was a good 1m50 high. Now, last time we were here (New Year’s Eve 18 months ago), the pack clambered over it and manhandled Tessa the tubby Retriever over. This time, the IQ had risen & we realised that there was a hole in the fence 10 metres away. This was not enough for Cassius the dog, though, nor for Martina, because one of them was suffering from severe heat stroke & the other was suffering from having run the last 45 minutes with a bag of dog poo in her hand. Decision time. Prestressed, ever the dog owner, obliged all other hashers to donate their water to Cassius & him and Padre & Pedo dutifully obliged by agreeing to drive the beer car up on a pet rescue mission to avoid the first ever RHHH fatality, thereby allowing Martina also to avoid poo bag embarrassment any longer.

 

After this, the first half wound back down towards Mandelieu, where the straggling runners (or is that running stragglers?) known as Prestressed & Jobsworth caught up with the walkers & honorary co-hare Cum Cum. They lost the flour here, but regained Dingus and, thanks to some inside info from Cum Cum, they were told that they could short cut through the streets of the town or take the trail through the scenic route of the beach, replete with bronzed maidens (and men, if you’re that way inclined) proving that skin cancer is not a good enough worry to cover up for on a Sunday afternoon.

 

Soon after, the beer stop was reached and, I’m glad to report, Cassius was found safe & well together with all other hashers. The second half was an easy affair, round the hill and winding back to the cemetery, where a needed refreshment ceremony was in order. However, before the circle could commence, Contessa held an impromptu belt sale (really), proving that the hashettes are just a bunch of shoppers out for a bargain (ooh, they were so cheap that I saved money & bought 5 of them).

 

Commercial activities over, the circle commenced, with Dingus officiating. As always, apologies for any misreporting, but I had to purloin a pen from Martin NN (who, it should be noted, Virgin Mouth had given it to and absolutely did not want him to relinquish to me.)

 

Hares – Padre & Big End

Contessa – Miss Whiplash for her bondage sale

Most hashettes for being belted up by Contessa

Dingus – for continued rudeness in the circle

Martina for her green credentials by carry dog poo on trail

Massed flip flop wearers – Prestressed, Idle Bitch, Cum Cum, Martin, Fly Me, Padre, Big End, Skinny A, Confusion, all others I have failed to mention (It would have been easier to note those not wearing them!)

Dog Owners – Martina, Lindsay, Estella, Dire Rear

Dingus & Prestressed for getting lost on the walkers’ trail

Robert Idle Bitch – Colgate Smile for his bottle opening party trick

Dingus followers “He’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy” – No Satz, John, Prestressed

Deviant hare – Padre

Cum Cum for rescuing lost walkers with her seduction techniques

Shepherds Bush & Anne of Cleavage for late cumming in their posh car

Returners – SB & AofC, Idle Bitch, Skinny A, Big End, Kathy & anyone I have missed

Visitors – Andi (?), Rickashaw & Oxymoron from San Diego

Padre for various further offences

Robert Idle Bitch for being a virgin

And finally, the Sh*t of the week nomination. For once, Sneaky Bastard not only avoided a down down, he avoided an SoW nomination. Must be a record.

The nominees were:

·         Martina for carrying dog shit around the trail

·         Cassius for laying said dog shit

·         Jobsworth for having serious shits after a week in India (& also electing to hash whilst leaving Never Cums to move house)

·         Contessa for serial late cumming (good in the bedroom, maybe, but not good on the hash)

In good old Mugabe style, Martina & Cassius were eliminated in the first round, leaving the final vote between Contessa & Jobsworth. Jobsworth was pronounced winner.

 

Circle closed, it was on on to an excellent restaurant organised by Cum Cum. When there, the 28 eating hashers were joined by Procul, who apparently misread the directions & drove to the wrong cemetery. Realising his mistake, he ran a private hash & then joined everyone for dinner….!

 

So, all that’s left to do is to thank the hares Padre & Big End for a great run & onon to Perpetch’s marathon in 2 weeks time.

 

(As to the answer to the question at the top – I haven’t got a clue; I was hoping that somebody would tell me!)