RIVIERA HASH TRASH 577
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Jobsworth for Mme Mouton's Run
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Have your say-got an opinion? Give it to me and I’ll publish and be dammed
The U.K. Nash Hash 28/08 – 31/08/08. Organised by Edinburgh HHH,
Marathon Bhutan, 7th September 2008
A follow on from the previous run report......
Thank you, Dirty Dingus, for your excellent run report following Farty Bum and Virgin Mouth's superb stroll in the rain. All together now.... "doobee do do, ba be doo be do do, I'm singin in the rain I'm sin etc etc."
However, I did notice you forgot to mention the little hiccup regarding a small difficulty finding a section of the trail.
So, in the interest of accuracy, I have in my possession a copy of the official events as they may or may not have happened.
Therefore with appologies to the Hares, (who I think did a superb job and do not need to ingratiate themselves with a bunch of ungrateful, blinkered, runners too tired to be bothered to find the real trail) this is as it should have been.
"I've been thinking about the trail through the village and I think this is what went wrong. I started making the trail down that side street, thinking it was heading for a staircase, and then I noticed there was the market ahead, and realized I was on the wrong street, so turned back. I didn't put an X because it wasn't meant to be a false trail. I just rubbed out the first blob of flour and made several obvious ones continuing straight ahead, back on the main street. As you said, the runners will keep going in the same direction unless there's a reason to turn. But Lynne kept asking if we should make a check. At first I said no, because it was right beside the police station, but after awhile I said, oh, what the heck -- if you want to make a check, go ahead. So she went back and made a check, and a false trail going back towards the bridge. Of course, once the check was there, you guys would be looking around, and that's how you ended up on my abandoned trail with no X.
The correct trail continued straight ahead and then turned down that staircase I showed you, and then went up another staircase. At the top step of this staircase I made a check. I told Lynne we wouldn't make a false trail (as I worry about attracting too much attention in the village), but that the runners would just have to find the trail. There were two staircases near this check -- one to the right, easy to see, and another one to the left, not obvious at all. Of course we made the trail up the less obvious staircase. But I think all the runners just ran up the obvious staircase, even though there was no flour on it, because they assumed that the trail would lead to the church, as usual. But we didn't take the trail near the church at all, we kept it to the left side of the village and then went round by the bottom, at the back of the hill.
Jobsworth told me all the runners went to the church and then just ran around until they saw flour again, going down the steps below the overpass.
Well anyway, the trail through the village was just to give the walkers time to get a head start into the woods. But you should have been able to find that hidden staircase to the left. Both staircases were within two meters of the staircase with the check."
O.K? Now you have it.
Everything is clear now?????
Yes, I thought so.
Run Report for Mme Mouton & Sadist's Run
Up, Up & Away in the Pays Vencois
So here we were on a fine & sunny Sunday morning in Vence, wondering what Mme Mouton had in store for us. Well, firstly, there was no surprise that Cumalot has kept up the pretence of a bad back in order to avoid co-haring. The role was instead taken up by Sadist who has a bad case of *&%$ing Tourrettes syndrome (well, he lives there and I need to get the gag in every time we run around there). Secondly, there was no surprise when Sadist announced that the hash would involve lots of uphill. With anyone else, I would expect this to be a joke. But with Sadist, you know it must be serious……
The turnout was skewed towards the walkers as a number of runners (P &BE, Pre-S etc) decided to make their excuses rather than to suffer Sadist’s hills. A few instructions later, the whistle was blown and off it was into the hinterland of Vence. Given the preponderance of walkers, Cum Cum has graciously added to the report (see below). I think this must be a first and look forward to many more from her.
The first part of the run was on road and past houses. With dogs. Lots of them. This is not normally a problem, but when you’re running with an excitable blonde on a lead (no, not No Satz but Tessa) it becomes a tad wearisome. This was to become a major problem because this particular blonde has no stamina. She starts the session all over you and insatiable but quickly flags to the point that she only wants to roll over & go to sleep when you need to keep the pace going over the longer term.
(The above paragraphs were written the day after the run. It’s now 9 days ago & I’m realising why procrastination ain’t such a good thing…..). Where was I? ahh, yes, the first half. As expected, the run veered into Sadist’s private forest. All very nice, but not much uphill. The run was enlivened by Dingus running every falsie possible in preparation for his Japanese extra strong 50k marathon + event this summer.
And then it came. Subtly, without warning, the falsies dissipated and the trail went up, up & away in my beautiful balloon. At least, I wish my bleedin’ dog had done so as, by this point she was proving that she is not an ex special forces colleague of Bruce who was just moving into second gear as the hill climb started. The rest of the first half is a blur, beyond the very kind Dire Rear taking Tessa (and an excuse to be the slowest walker) and allowing Jobsworth to get at least some exercise.
At the beer stop, there was a kerfuffle between Dire Rear & Cum Cum as they fought over who would gain possession of Tessa. Not to worry, it was to be downhill all the way back to chez Mme Mouton. In fact, the run was so easy that Sneaky B decided to become a runner for around 500m. Fully expect him to be running everything next time. It will be an easy one, after all - when did Perpetch ever set a long hash?
Hash over, we were joined by Never Cums proving that her name is nearly, not totally correct. She was there to celebrate her 2*20th birthday with pink & white champers. This led to conversations about the ideal age for a wife. Some wise man (maybe Descartes or even Sophocles) once calculated that the ideal age for a wife is half the husband’s age + 7. On hearing this, Anne of Cleavage was overheard being ecstatic about her toyboy Shepherd’s Bush, who is apparently 4 months younger than her. I’m sure we can fit this into the formula somewhere.
As for down downs, I made no notes and it’s now far too long ago. What I do remember is:
· Mme Mouton & Sadist for a great run & walk
· Perpetch for winning the ballbreaker hash at Interhash. Congrats on a great performance
· Jobsworth for pretending to be a Vietong guerrilla
· Never Cums for the 19th anniversary of her 21st birthday
· And many more
· Despite strong competition from Sneaky B (by simple virtue of being there), Sh*t of the Week was awarded to Dingus for wearing the most unsubtly revolting t-shirt ever seen on the hash.
And now for Cum Cum’s walkers’ report in its full uncut format:
"We set off up, and up and up, up narrow lanes and up nice quiet suburban roads where we could all admire the rather lovely flower display this time of year offers in private gardens and growing wild in the open areas. At one point a debate started as to turn left or right at a junction where there was a circle, our hare was not sure and the helpers who marked the trail thought to turn right. It turned out Mme Mouton was correct on turning left, over a roundabout and past a school. Up and up we trudged, all of us looking for shade when just last Hash we had been shivering in the cold and wet, wrapped up in winter coats!
We arrived at a car which looked like Pedo's and close inspection through the blacked out windows revealed some refreshments inside. We settled down on the road and on Pedo's car, waited and waited, a rebellion was about to break out when we heard the distant sound of a whistle, could this be the eventual arrival of the runners???
Eventually Dingus appeared, thankfully with Pedo's key. Now it seems Pedo only trusts certain Hashers with his car key and a walker is definitely not one of them. Thankfully we were duly refreshed and set off on the downhill leg of the 2nd half. Again another debate broke out over could take charge of the "only true dumb blonde" on the Hash ak Jobsworth's dog. Diarrhea won the contest as she misses a lead pulling her arm out of her socket is seems.
Jobsworth was the topic of conversation between many Harriett's, because later another debate over where he intends to live in the future and who with. Confusion was heard to finally raise her voice to clarify the issue over the difference between a 2nd residence and a permanent one, thus ending the 3rd debate I had heard.
Suddenly a flash of blue hat, walking boots and shorts was seen passing us walkers actually "RUNNING", was it a mirage in the heat of this lovely early May day, no it was Sneaky Bastard, running with a runner, just to prove us Walkers are up to anything, until the gradient changed and we hit a rare uphill section on our 2nd half downhill descent, and Sneaky B was left panting on somebody's garden brick wall! He soon recovered his composure to rejoin us Walkers and decided that is where he wants to stay in future!
The Jobsworth family living accommodation rumours were finally quashed at the circle when the rest of the Jobsworth family arrived to celebrate Never Cums 40th birthday with some rather nice champagne type substance to consume."
Editor’s note – I thought that the only living arrangements presently occupying hashers’ hearts & minds were Padre & Big End’s Spanish sojourn. Olé!
Also see the Receeding Hare Line!
R*n 578: NEXT HASH 18-May
HASH 18 MAY - Mouille in Le Muy? Hares Perpetual Motion, El
Torro and Cool Dude