A feisty Italian remake of the 1952 Oscar reaping classic "Singin’ In The Rain". Starring:

Debbie "C*ntessa" Reynolds and

Gene "Pedo" Kelly

Based on an original screenplay by Skinny Ah-So

Introducing Mad Bonkers Italian lady & her hosepipe

With a supporting cast from around the hashing world

After a long (2 nanosecond) reflection, it was decided to proceed with this classic, rather than the alternative Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid, featuring "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head". Maybe next time.....

Contessa had organised her latest venture slap bang on the frontier post between Menton and Ventimiglia. Fortunately, this was the Basse Corniche and not the autostrada, but, being Italia, parking that was promised to be "senza problema" was becoming "molto problemi" by the time the hash arrived in competition with families out to enjoy glorious but cool autumn weather and magical scenery.

Also being Italia, early hashers gathered in the local bar & tabaccheria for an espresso before an afternoon’s excursion. To truly push the Italian flavour further, Pedo arranged for Jobsworth to take the beer car to the mid way point 10 minutes before the start. This would have been fine were the beer stop not a 20 minutes drive away and had we not stopped for a chat with Annabel from Mexico, Pedo’s new beer stop friend. So, to complete the Italianisation of the hash, we started a good 20 minutes late. Which, as it happened, was "a good thing".

Contessa had found a beautiful spot and was rewarded by a strong turnout of regular hashers, visitors and family. Pedo explained the rules, notably that the run was totally flat and the new game of "count the numbers in the checks". And then it was off!

Dingus & Sudsucker were back from Japan, so Dingus retook his FRB position and the pack followed him down to the beach. However, there was confusion on the hash today (actually, 2 Confusions – the other one was walking) as whistles were heard regularly, but not from Dingus as in the past but from Padre, trying to confuse everyone.

After a nice warm up on the beach, we came to a check with a number in it. But was it a 1 or a 2? Pedo was on hand to help. He pronounced it a 1, until the next group arrived, to whom he declared it a 2. No matter, the trail ran assiduously along the beach as promised, to a rubbed out check. And here our problems started.

The pack was totally flummoxed, because the only routes from this check were false. Ever resourceful, we enlisted the help of a local, who informed us in no uncertain terms that the road was "privata" and that he was phoning the caribinieri to chase the pack away. Miserable sod.

Anyway, it turned out that the rubbed out check was never a check and that the pack had, in fact, run an extremely long falsie. Back along the beach, an arrow had mysteriously appeared pointing up. And it was, literally, up.....all the way to the beer stop.

The climb sorted the runners from the chaff. In fact, all runners proved to become walkers, albeit faster ones than the real ones, who were taking the climb slowly in order to preserve precious energy to continue nattering.

It was incredibly steep. 50 metres, 100 metres, 150, 200 woah there, we were nearly needing breathing apparatus. And suddenly, the beer car appeared. This had only been a 25 minute first half, but it was an exhausting one.

The interval brings us back to the drama production. As a trailer film (who remembers them?) Mexican Annabel greeted runners with the question "are you Welsh?" Even Sudsucker did not escape; maybe Mexicans believe that Wales is a province of Japan. It seems that Pedo, who is a Frenchman from Milford Haven, had informed Annabel that the hash was an expat Welsh thing. She was clearly disappointed that we are even more cosmopolitan.

The runners tucked in to the beer & crisps (which were also cosmopolitan this week.....) as the walkers struggled up the hill. The power walkers were there first, leaving Mme Mouton & Fairy Plunger as back markers. The small village hosting the beer stop boasts a microclimate, so everyone was taken aback by the mimosa and other flowers in season. So much so that they picked them whilst admiring the stunning mountain & sea views.

Unfortunately, the mad & bonkers Italian lady resident who guest stars in the production was not happy. In typical Italian Mama style, she started to screech at us for no fathomable reason. This just encouraged certain unruly members to shout back. Defeated, she went upstairs to water her plants. And guess what – she decided to turn the water cannon against the hash. This prompted Padre to lead a chorus of Singin’ In The Rain and this encouraged her even more. In fact, the beer car has never been so clean. We should have paid her for the service!

The second half was a simple affair. Both runners & walkers had to take the vertical route back to the start. Very kindly, Fairy Plunger’s fairer half offered to drive the beer car back. The road to the beer stop was extremely narrow in places & she sped the car like an F1 driver. This led to a discussion about naming her. Penelope Pitstop & Colin McRae (RIP) were mentioned among others, but Padre poo poohed the idea, leaving her hair free of flour & beer for another few weeks.

Back at base, Supermarket Trolley & Jobsworth decided that the hash had not been arduous enough, so they went for a canter down the Menton Promenade. This was easier said than done as the promenade was full of people doing exactly that – promenading, d’oh!

The walkers straggled in as they had at the beer stop. The run had been short, so there was quite a while to kill before the resto. Fortunately, Prestressed had had the brainwave of organising for some Beaujolais Nouveau to accompany the usual cheap gut rot we drink. Organising is the right word here....he contacted Cumalot & instructed him to buy some Pisse Dru. Cumalot dutifully did so, not once complaining that he was not beer meister!

Sneaky B was extremely impressed by Fairy Plunger at this point, who had explained his weight loss plan in detail before the hash. Now was the time for him to put it in action – with chocolate, crisps & booze!

And so to the circle.

Hares (singing & dancing variety) - C*ntessa & Pedo

Run Report - Jobsworth, with an extra special down down for getting hot & sweaty with Supermarket Trolley in Menton

Sneaky B for being the only one present not to perspire on the climb due to a tampon being inserted under each armpit

Oscar award for the best Singin’ In The Rain vocals – Two Cheeky

Ig Nobel (that’s what it says here!) – Cum Cum, Sud Sucker & Dirty Dingus

Pedo for the numbers game. The answer was 16¾ or whatever you wanted to make it!

Kiss of Life – Fairy Plunger & Mme Mouton

Returners – Dingus, Sudsucker, Spunk Bubble, Basil Fawlty, Cumalot, Strewth, Danish Bacon (bit unfair that as she was at the last hash!), Dominique

Closest thing to an antipodean – Knicker Licker

Virgins – Yani, Pauline, Tanya, Marina, Joss & Martin

The Shit of the Week award was an outrageous act in itself. It should have been won hands down by Farty Bum, but due to Floridean-style vote rigging ( or lack of concentration due to too much Pisse Dru), she avoided it.

Nominees were:
Farty Bum for stealing napkins

Sneaky Bastard for reasons not written down

Pedo for failing his bar duties

C*ntessa for forgetting to book her accordion player this time

And Confusion for other reasons I don’t recall

First round voting shortlisted Farty Bum and Confusion. Farty Bum then decided to seal victory by accusing Spunk Bubble of being Norwegian or Finnish or something when he is in fact Swedish. Scandalous!

Amazingly, Confusion still won the award!

Thanks to the late start, the circle cleaned up after itself and headed off to the ristorante. In good hash fashion, toilets were erected behind the bins in the car park, even with segregation for men & women (i.e. Big End refusing to go where her male colleagues had been). Very impressive!

As a postscript, I think it is important that the hash knows exactly about Farty Bum’s origins. She is a subject of HM Queen Elizabeth 2 from the American state of Saskatchewan. So there.