RIVIERA HASH TRASH 536
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Dingus's Grasse

As the final preparations for the run were made, the beermeister explained that he'd tempted fate a couple of weeks ago be saying that he hadn't hurt his back for 2 years. This was clearly a damn stupid thing for him to have said because in the process of preparing for the run he had managed to do it in again. "Greater dedication hath no man that he fuck up his back for the hash" as some book ought to say somewhere.

Anyway a good crowd of people showed up for the nether Grasse run starting at Grasse station (not to be confused with Padre's Haggis hunt in upper Grasse which will be next time). After a brief explanation of the meanings of various marks for the virgins the pack was off with the walkers getting to climb the 39 steps and then another 39 plus lots of places where there ought to have been steps. The runners meanwhile did a gentle ascent in the opposite direction following the hare who laid this part of the trail fresh. Eventually the gentle ascent led to a gentle descent and then to another series of steps, these ones going down. After the check at the bottom the pack found itself running back to the start and heading up the 39+... steps that the walkers had started off with. After an in depth tour of an HLM the runners got utterly confused running through a rather nicer block of flats and then found the first check of a series where the true trail led approx 175° from the check. There were lots of falsies to keep everyone amused though and the "first shall be last and the last first" was the case quite frequently. In this it helped that the FRBs appeared to be primarily Perpetch and Sadist, neither of whom was good at noting a lack of flour. It it had been just them no one would have been too bothered but unfortunately they led our new runner, Jorg, astray with them. Fortunately Jorg is training for the London Marathon and welcomed the extra kilometers

Eventually we arrived at the buried "Canal" and something vaguely like shiggy. Again the FRBs buggered off into the far distance where flour was not and even Cumalot the walking wounded was suckered into one false. Finally the strays were gathered together to witness Dire-rear commit sacrilege by whipping the hare and GM and not too much later, after Bozo had rejected the disgisting tennis ball Pedo thought would be a suitable plaything, a final descent of steps led to the road to Le Clerc and the Beer Check in the car park thereof.

While consuming refreshment it was noted that the FRBs had run nearly 7km, the hare had run about 4.5 and the walkers had done a hair over 2.5. Despite the difference in distance the walkers, however, only arrived at the Beer Check a few minutes ahead of the runners. Finally it was time to leave and the runners did. The walkers, however, were delayed by certain of their party with small bladders who decided to abuse the nearby MacDonald's facilities. The runners had fun running up a hill and finding a check or two before coming across the aquaduct of doom. Or at least the aquaduct that scares the shite out of acrophobics. Once that little fun was passed the trail briefly deviated from the canal at a devious check before returning and then heading up to the railway past a place that makes Synthetic Orgasms - Pedo informed those in earshot that he is the person to ahh come to if you want the natural, manual article. The runners thought they were on home, but they weren't. After the usual misleading false trails Two cheeky, Dire Rear and Bozo were briefly FRBs as we ascended a mount of olives. The trail then went up and down a bit to lead us to the quality redevelopment area of Grasse before descending dogshit tunnel and the set of stairs that the runners had first descended.

A fairly swift circle was held beginning with a tribute to the hares, Dirty Dingus and his spouse, Sud Sucker, and during which the Contessa received numerous mentions for flashing, studying on trail, returning in a new sylphlike figure with a mere 27% fat and so on. Various other trail offenses were noted amongst the runners: Perpetch and Sadist were awarded long-cutting awards for heading off trail repeatedly and excessively; Two Cheeky and an absent Dire Rear were observed walking deliberately through a check and Two Cheeky was also volunteered to drink the Dire Rear's down downs for whipping the hare as Dire Rear, Toss Pot and their dogs decided to leave early. Dingus was awarded a down down for forgetting the words to the down down song he had just sent oput on email. Curiously the walkers claimed they had been paragons of virtue although there were 4 notable small bladder wards: Knicker Licker and Skinny A were seen polluting the trail and giving the tramps of Grasse a nice view and Ruth NoName and Jingle Balls were also awarded for abusing McDonald's hospitality. A number of people (Contessa, Anne of Cleavage (?), Jobsworth, Sadist, Pedo ) were noted to be mugless, all claimed their mugs were in their cars which were some distance away, but only Jobsworth turned out to be telling the truth. And a couple of people were given some sort of down down for Australia day - Knicker Licker and Jobsworth.

In addition to Contessa, the following were recognized for returning after an absence: Polyandra, PreStressed, Skinny A, Confusion, Virgin Mouth, Serge Goulamaly.

There were also three virgins John & Joan, Jorg Gruben

Eventually, despite the nomination of the absent Sneaky Bastard, Dirty Dingus was awarded the coveted Shit of the Week down down (by the way what's happened to the SoW T shirt ?) for not giving recognition to his cohare and those who were dining formed up in convoy more or less to head to the Vignal for our repast - except that is for Fairy Plunger and Ruth who detoured to look at some property and showed up rather late.

Padre's Haggis Hunt