It turned out to be a lovely sunny day for the last run of 2006. We left the auto-route at Mandelieu, turned sharply to the west, and went through two or three roundabouts before pulling into a small parking lot beside a cemetery on the road to Theoule. Thirty hashers were present, including Quaillewd with 8-month-old William, a cute little guy with big brown eyes and a bit of a cough. Some people were calling him ‘Waillewd’, but I don’t believe this is official (or exact, as we never heard a peep out of him).

Sadist was in a generous mood and announced that this was to be a free run, so you people who stayed at home, just look what you missed!

At noon Dingus blew his whistle, and a few minutes later we started up a path that took us onto a narrow paved trail running along the lower hillside behind the cemetery. Through the trees and across the tombstones, we could see Quaillewd pushing William parallel to us along the sidewalk in front of the cemetery. Just in case you miss the significance of this, it means that our skilled hares had provided us with not only a runners’ route and a walkers’ route, but also a baby buggy route and (soon) a tired walkers’ route, plus a run reporter, a walk reporter (this is the walkers’ report), a sunny day, stunning scenery, a free run, AND mince tarts – all this, and to top it off, they were hares only three weeks ago at the Christmas party!! Did you catch the names of these wondrous hares? Padre and Sneaky Bastard!

So we went along this pleasant flat trail for awhile, with late-arrival Droopy Tits far in the rear, accompanied by Lindsay Lipton, who waited for her since she had three dogs to sniff out the trail. (Lindsay first appeared a year ago at Contessa’s Accordeonist run in Ventigmilia, if you remember – her dog was wearing that smart leather coat.)

After awhile we turned off the flat trail and began to climb steeply upwards through the trees. Here Harley D, who was feeling poorly, begged Sneaky Bastard to indicate an easier route for tired people, and Sneaky Bastard, taken by surprise, managed to think quickly and provide her with exact details for a flat-or-downhill-only route, all the way to the beer stop. Five other hashettes quickly opted to join her, but the rest, remembering all the chocolates and other goodies they had consumed over Christmas, grimly followed Sneaky Bastard onto the upward route.

(One hashette was overheard admitting to another that she had eaten an entire box of marrons glacés all by herself in one evening.) (And the hashette she was speaking to admitted doing exactly the same thing with her own box of marrons glacés, yet funnily enough, only one of these guilty ladies took the calorie-burning uphill trail.)

After climbing steeply uphill through the trees for awhile, over a terrain of reddish soil and pine needles, we (the calorie-burning group) came out further up on another flat trail. We followed this a short way and then struck uphill once again, emerging once again on a parallel trail higher up. Soon after this we came to a view stop with a splendid view of the Bay of Mandelieu (or whatever it was). Sneaky Bastard told us that the hill we were standing on was actually the plug of a still-active volcano, and that all the people living in the charming vista spread out below us were doomed, if not by the volcano, then by the frequent earthquakes. He himself, dining in a restaurant down there, had observed the chandelier swinging to and fro during a small earthquake (after drinking only a slightly excessive quantity of vodka).

Shortly after the view stop we came out of the trees onto a road. Sneaky Bastard tuned to the left (down-hill) and we started down this road. Down below we could see the tired walkers, who had also just come out of the trees, turn to the right (up-hill), and start UP the road. Now, in spite of all the nice things I said about the hares in that other paragraph, the truth of the matter is that we were not at all convinced that Sneaky Bastard knew what he was doing. Here were two groups of walkers, one following detailed instructions from Sneaky Bastard, and the other following Sneaky Bastard himself, yet they were coming up and we were going down. The obvious conclusion was that Sneaky Bastard was incompetent. The two groups met halfway down (or up) this road, and everyone started talking at once. Harley D demanded to know which group was going the right direction.

Sneaky Bastard gave a little shrug and said, "We’ll just go down these stairs here." He turned around, and there, directly in front of him, as if by magic, we saw a break in the hedge and a staircase going down. It seemed like some kind of reckless on-the-spot decision by Sneaky Bastard to avoid admitting that he had lost the trail. On the road there wasn’t a trace of flour pointing toward this staircase, so we hesitated a moment before deciding that even if it wasn’t the proper trail, he was still the hare and knew the way to the beer-stop, so we should still follow him.

Funnily enough, a short way down the steps we started finding flour. We couldn’t decide whether we had just witnessed an example of brilliant haring by Sneaky Bastard, getting two groups of walkers coming from two different directions to arrive at the same spot at exactly the same moment, or if, by a freak of luck, Sneaky Bastard had stumbled onto a staircase recently used by a baker with a hole (and possibly a mouse) in his flour sack.

At the bottom of the steps we came out into a street of Mandelieu, with shops, patisseries, and sidewalk cafés full of people enjoying lunch in the sunshine. Here we met Quaillewd and William, and proceeded down the street in the direction of the sea. A few minutes later we were walking beside a beautifully restored ancient castle. Apparently this castle is well-known – Knicker Licker said her daughter nearly got married in it – but I had never seen it before, and I have to admit, walking along under those ancient archways, with the sea lapping against the rocks only a few feet away, was a lovely experience.

We crossed the sandy beach to a bench near a sidewalk, and were at the beer stop. Here we lingered a long time, as it was such a very pleasant day. Families were sitting on the sand enjoying the sunshine, and many passers-by strolled with interest through the middle of our beer stop. Sadist, scanning the horizon, discovered a swimmer doing the crawl. On the bench, William stomped up and down in his mother’s lap.

Leaving the beer stop, we headed down another Mandelieu street and then turned left into an old staircase going up. At the top of this staircase was a big W pointing right, and a large arrow pointing left. Padre and a herd of runners thundered past, heading right, probably returning from a false trail on the left. Despite the W pointing right, Sneaky Bastard ordered the walkers to go left. We pointed out the W, but he said we could go either way. We then told him he should make a new W so the stragglers would know where to turn. We looked down the staircase at the walkers still arriving, and saw Quaillewd bumping up the steps with William. "Good God!" cried Sneaky B, and rushed down to help her.

So we set off to the left, and followed the road past a lot of private properties until it came to an end by a big house on a hillside. The front walkers followed a narrow path into the bushes, and then came back to announce that there was a lot of trampled flour all over the path (runners had been there?), and a chicken- wire fence with the gate closed, blocking the way. Sneaky Bastard swore that the gate had been open yesterday, but unfortunately, the fickle walkers were once again questioning his competence. We started back the way we had come. We didn’t go all the way back to the staircase however, but turned into another street going downwards, and somehow from there got into the shiggy that we had been meant to enter from the blocked path.

This was real shiggy. William was removed from his buggy and Quaillewd carried him under one arm, while Madame Mooton’s friend Paule took charge of the buggy. We bumped across a rough, grassy hillside and then went down a stream-bed of very slippery, moss-covered rocks. Everyone hovered close to Quaillewd, ready to snatch William if she should slip. Fortunately she didn’t (but I did). Down at the bottom was a small stream. We chucked a lot of rocks that were lying around into it, to make some stepping stones, before discovering a good crossing place about one meter to the left. Then we started up a long grassy climb back to the top, through thick (but not prickly) overhanging branches. Before us, like a banner, we could see William’s buggy, which the gallant Sneaky B was holding high over his head as he battled his way through the long grass and up the slope.

We arrived at the top next to a road, and waited for the stragglers. Droopy Tits slipped just as she arrived at the top, and we expected to see her slide straight back down to the bottom, but fortunately, she had non-skid pads on her rear end, and stayed put. Lindsay put the leashes onto her three dogs, and we all carefully crossed the road, and there, a few meters farther down, was the car park, full of runners drinking beer and guzzling chips. We were back!

But all was not over. Somehow, four walkers had gone missing (Knicker Licker, Cream Puff, Dire Rear and Tosspot), and the hapless Sneaky Bastard had to go back into the jungle to find them. As a result, later on in the circle he was overwhelmingly voted Shit of the Week. Now I ask you, if you have been paying attention to all the exploits of Sneaky B mentioned in this report – the unexpected request for a tired walkers route, which he graciously responded to, his skill at coordinating the arrival of the calorie-burners and the tired walkers at that staircase, his gallant assistance to Quaillewd in the second half – do you REALLY think this dedicated hare deserved to be shit of the week? If Quaillewd could keep up – mounting a long staircase with a baby buggy, and descending a dangerous stream-bed with William under her arm, etc, then surely those four walkers could have kept up too. Where was Klingon? Where was Pedo? THEY should have been shit of the week! Why weren’t they there??

Thank-you Padre and Sneaky Bastard for a really satisfying and interesting hash, without any polluted streams, garbage dumps, building sites or other gross bits, and a Happy New Year to all! See you on the trail in 07!