Confusion’s Big One and Midsummer Hash

Prestressed had been promoting this special hash for some time, so what surprises were we to expect? Did a rally of mini Coopers coming along the road from Opio to Valbonne mean I was late and it was a hash rally organised by our champion driver? The car park at Azur Security was not a parc fermé even though the new gates and fences were protecting only a couple of disintegrating vehicles.

Chez Prestresssed ( at 43.38.25N 07.00.44E as the directions indicated in case the directions were not clear) a party had already started. Pedophil, replacing Cumalot as Beermeister for the day, thrust a vitamin and alcohol filled fruit drink into my hands as soon as I joined the crowd of about 50 people who had set out in spite of the dull weather at the start of the morning. Things were already brightening up- perhaps it was the alcohol- when Prestressed announced that it was a hash after all and would be 14 kilometres. He tried to explain some new rules about bars and crosses, but this was far too complicated. He set off the walkers with a two minutes start- this was just enough time for them to get lost directly outside the gates- not helped by the late arrival of Contessa who looked as though she was proposing to do the hash by car. Knickerlicker acting as Hare for the walkers managed to get them to move off together in what might have been the right direction.

So eventually the enthusiastic runners started off to the first check. One trail led down some steps to where the walkers were having another conference around one of Prestressed new crosses with bar, but no-one remembered what this was supposed to indicate. The Hare judged that the runners couldn’t run through it so Dingus and Sadist had to return uphill to the check from which the rest of the runners had already disappeared. No ON ON cries were to be heard so nothing else to do but to follow the flour through the village and hope that it was the out trail rather than the in trail. Some mention of the Brague had indicated that we might be hashing in that direction so it was not surprising that the flour led back almost to the first cross with bar. No sign of runners or walkers until I came across Klingon and Boots engaged in some intimate operation which they claimed was to do with an insect in Klingon’s eye. I left them to it. It was not until I got to the Brague stream that I caught up with the walkers gingerly crossing the stepping stones- in spite of all the chattering they all manage dto cross without anyone falling in.

A little time later I reached the runners struggling up a rocky path remarkably all grouped together. A check had caused a regroup. But the ladies were tiring and in need of ‘rest’ stops. Checking back from a falsie we caught Big End in the bushes and a few moments later Dire Rear was flushed out. Wuff Diva was having to carry Tash as another female in need of a rest. After a few more falsies a B sign indicated Beer was near. Surprisingly soon the walkers too reached the beerstop having recognised the place from the rocks and trees on the photo they were using as guide ; maybe the presence of the beercar and the runners also helped them know it was the right place.

Again the walkers were given a 2 minute start before the runners set off checking to find the trail. Whoresin and CMorePussy went in their own direction on a private trail. Off to the left Dingus found a cross and returned to the check and joined Sadist checking for flour a bit further right. Sadist found another check and called OnON but the rest of the pack had disappeared in the other direction. Sadist and Dingus each checked out a falsie and returned to the check but as this was near a very smelly junction of sewage pipes they didn’t hang around waiting for the pack to turn up. Checking out the little paths we met Sneaky Bastard who told us everyone was on this trail, so after this information from such a reliable source we were not surprised to find another cross on the trail. Somewhere above us the voice of Prestressed charged us with running through crosses and missing a big long loop. Injured by these false accusations but pleased to have made a short cut, we made for home. A long uphill trail from the Brague lead back to the road and a tarmac stretch to reach the beer.

Back at the house there was quite a group- Skinny A was busy in the kitchen; El Toro was guarding the beer; Contessa was partying having claimed that she spent a hour in the forest but couldn’t find the beer stop. A good half hour before the rest of the runners made it back. A much bloodied Padre said he had a close encounter with the rocks as he was trying to keep up with Supermarket Trolley. The hospital had him stitched up later that evening.

A number of latecomers turned up for the party- Quaillewd brought along William for his first hash encounter; Absolutely Pathetic and 3Rs came with Chloe; Cumalot, Come Again and Never Comes all came with Henry Rachel and Charlotte; Anne of Cleavage arrived from the airport and No Satisfaction came from the sea.

A quick circle was held by Padre as everyone was ready for the food and the party as a big tent and tables had been arranged in the garden.

Down-Downs to:

The Hares- Prestressed, Knicker Licker and Confusion.

Kitchen Staff: Skinny A, Big End , Confusion, Cream Puff, Knickerlicker

Padre for self-inflicted injuries; Sadist for no injuries.

SuckOn as a Schlossed beertaster

Cool Dude for wearing a brazilian football shirt

Supermarket Trolley for changing to look beautiful after the hash

El Toro for developing culture

Pedophil for general perversion

Birthdays- Confusion, Prestressed, Wuff Diva, Sadist

50 run mug- Skinny A

Quaillewd for motherhood

Returners- Scriptease, Dire Rear, Mud Wrestler, Madame Mouton, CMore Pussy, Cream Puff, Whoresin, Gavin, SudSucker, Knee Trembler

Leavers- SuckOn, ManEater

Shit of the Week- Contessa

Then everyone tucked into an incredible choice of starters while Prestressed was busy at a bank of barbeques preparing large sides of beef and lamb. Pedophil opened countless bottles of rose and when these were finished went off to fetch more from an inexhaustible source in the cellar. Enormous appetites demolished everything in sight before a vast selection of desserts appeared and promptly was consumed. Then it was time for a presentation to Confusion for her Big One- a GPS to help her get lost and a camelpak to sustain he when she was; and of course birthday cake and champagne. World Cup football on the television; swimming in the pool for the kids; washing up in the kitchen for a talented team of plongeurs provided diverse entertainment for all.

‘You Bastards’ said SuckOn as Brazil scored their first goal

Much thanks to Skinny A and Prestressed and all those involved in the food preparation and presentation. Henry had a special thank-you for Prestressed but his throw wasn’t quite enough to make up for the dowsing he had received from Prestressed a couple of hashes ago.

Sadist

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By special request here is a bit of doggerel developed after the last hash. Self explanatory.

Enjoy.

Perpetual Motion, Perpetual Motion,

I still think of you across miles of ocean.

What wonderful memories of sharing a bed.

I wake and I find it’s just Suck-On instead.

Tired and much partied I went home to sleep,

After ringing the doorbell from Cam I got not a peep;

From my two year long husband there was no avail.

Spurned and dejected, I retraced my trail.

And, yes, you were waiting when I turned on the light.

I stripped to be ready and knew all would be right.

Throwing open the bedclothes you welcomed me in.

‘Make yourself comfy, lie down here, Cyn’.

Fits nicely, fits tightly, Fitzgerald, great Scott!

The night can be tender with all that we’ve got.

My hero, Perpetch, my hasher, my iron man.

I’ll be your Zelda in Juan les Pins.

Five past eight, five past nine, five past ten, who cared.

Each minute was precious, those moments we shared.

‘Twas Bangkok time, all the time

That summertime morning, when you were mine.

At our beach house in Noosa back here in Oz

I lie here still dreaming of you because

Like the waves, my heart is still beating

With Perpetual Motion, Perpetual Motion.

(With apologies to John Betjeman)